This is a story about Jeremy and his friends Theresa, Paul and Nicola who all wanted to run the country.
Jeremy was a good boy, he always ate all his greens, he adopted stray kittens, put his own shelves up and he stood up on trains. Jeremy was a man of the people.
His friend Theresa only ate asparagus, she adopted expensive brandy, she gets a man in to put shelves up and she didn't use public transport
Nicola only adopted Scottish cats, Paul only adopted white ones.
One day Theresa got a bit bored and decided that they should all play a game called 'Snap Election'
"Fantastic" said Jeremy "I'm a man of the people"
"Great, I'm just as good as Nigel" remarked Paul
"Scottish independence" Nicola wailed, whilst painting her face blue.
Jeremy told the people great things. He said schools should not have more than 30 children in a class.
"But Jeremy, there aren't enough teachers, our schools aren't big enough and we can't afford the glue sticks" said one of Jeremy's friends.
"We'll build more schools, we'll make becoming a teacher easier and we'll make glue sticks free" Said Jeremy, wiping crumbs from custard creams from his beard.
"But how can we pay for these things" replied Jeremy's friend.
"D'uh, with money, stupid" Sneered Diane.
Theresa tried to explain the concept of not having enough money to the people, but the people had been used to getting lots for free, so they weren't happy.
"Scottish Independence" Nicola bleated.
"We can't keep putting more and more strain on our schools by allowing visitors from other countries in" said Paul.
"Boo, Hiss, Boo" said the righteous.
"Hello" Said Tim.
Next Jeremy went on TV to explain why everyone should be given free healthcare and nothing should have to be paid for. Theresa sent her friend Amber and stayed at home drinking expensive brandy.
The people loved Jeremy's promise for free hospital car parking and to fully nationalise all the hospitals. They loved the way he said "People shouldn't have to pay for anything" whilst gently stroking a baby panda.
Amber was out of her depth
"Scottish Independence" cried Nicola before playing Bat out of Hell on the bagpipes.
"We can't keep putting more and more strain on our hospitals by allowing visitors from other countries in" said Paul whilst coming under fire from a barrage of rotten fruit.
"I'm Tim" Said Tim.
A few days later Jeremy went on TV again, this time to talk about how he's always nice and never does any punching, explaining he shouted once in 1985, but that was just to get someone attention before they inadvertently stepped on a spider. Theresa again stayed at home and drunk fine brandy.
"But what about that time in school, when the bullies hit you and stole your dinner money" enquired one of Jeremy's friends "And because you just tried to hug them they called you names and then kept beating you up and stealing your money" he continued.
Jeremy held up a picture of a puppy licking and ice cream, and all was forgotten.
"Scottish independence" Nicola roared, whilst reading a deep fried daily echo.
"I'll fight anyone" said Paul, who appeared to have also been drinking brandy, but not the expensive kind.
"Anyone want a cookie?" asked Tim
Theresa said later in front of a madding crowd of at least 5 of her own friends that she'd hit anyone if they hit her, and that "I did karate as a child in case I ever needed to defend myself". Many of the people thought this was ludicrous and that she should be shot for being so unnecessarily aggressive.
When the game was over everyone decided Jeremy was the winner and that he would run our country.
"Jolly good" proclaimed Jeremy
"Meh" said Theresa, shrugging her shoulders, before retiring to her drawing room to partake in more fine brandy"
"Scottish Independence?" Nicola asked.
"Has anyone got Nigels number?" asked Paul
"Bye" said Tim.
Jeremy had only been in charge a few months, when he realised that all the Schools he had needed to pay for gas, water and electric. And that the jolly nasty builders that were going to build the new ones required paying in money, and not magic beans. And because he had made it easier to become a teacher, the profession was now full of very poor teachers, who couldn't really do the job.
He soon realised that because of his friend Tony more and more people had become fat and lazy, and as a result sickly. And that the amount of money they where costing in medicine, treatments and nurses time was more than he ever imagined.
He soon found that his friendly approach and dislike of violence was exploited when the nasty Norwegians began to invade, and despite Jeremy and Diane's best efforts they soon began to occupy most of the north east.
He allowed Nicola to have Scottish independence, but she soon realised the worlds demand for shortbread, alcoholics and woollen jumpers was not as great as first imagined, and that they soon needed the help of Jeremy, sadly Jeremy couldn't help, because the extra 3 million police officers he promised had gone on strike because they weren't being payed and he was mad at them because despite being more of them, none of them were psychic and they weren't on every street corner, and sadly crime was on the rise. Largely due to the amount of free glue sticks people were sniffing, and the huge unemployment.
Unemployment caused by Jeremy's plan to make the rich people pay more. So they simply moved their multi million pound business' over seas, or ensured they took measures to avoid getting to a level of richness where they paid more tax. Unemployment no aided by the hordes of stupid people leaving a failing education system.
Before long Jeremy and his people realised he had made a silly mistake and his friends said he shouldn't run the country. So up stepped Theresa's old friend Boris and the cycle started over.
