Well for those of you who have been watching the BBC 1 series 'Africa', which I strongly suggest you do, you will have noticed a certain pattern developing. This is a largely un factual diary of any one of those creatures.
Monday
Bloody hell, it's warm here, we haven't had rain for 4 months now and I'm parched, I got hold of a few leaves yesterday but that's about it, I had them with sand, I was going to do ants, but the only ones I could find we're those buggers that nip. I saw a female animal of the same species as well today, Shirley I think she's called, Anyway I'm not going to bother with all that romance rubbish that humans do, I'll just go over and see her Tommorow, puff my chest out and give her a damn good seeing too.
Tuesday
Crikey that was close, I went over to see Shirley earlier, I was just about to make my move and another bloody bloke turns up, giving it large. It turns out he fancies her as well, I tried talking to the bloke, but he was having none of it, he started snorting and waving his claws/hooves/trunk/tail/stinger/horn around like a mad man, I could see he fancied himself as some sort of 'jack the lad' we had a bit of a scuffle, and I caught him with a peach of a left hoof, right to his temple, sent him flying. And it looked good in front of Shirley. Who was most taken aback with her rogering. Still no rain, this is getting daft now,
Wednesday
Well that's the last time I talk to that Shirley, after all the bother I went to just so she could get a bit of how's your father. She only tried to kill me afterwards, because "that's what they do apparently". I'm taking her on Jeremy Kyle next month and we'll have it sorted. Some fucker with a massive camera came along today and kept sticking that in my face, one of the elephants said he was from the BBC so I tried to ham it up a bit, this could be my big break. We've still had no rain, But the cameraman left a few crisps behind so I had them with a bit of sand.
Thursday
Well I don't bloody believe it, it's pissing it down, heavy as well, not just a bit of drizzle, just as I'd put my winter coat away. The rivers full so the hippos are as happy as pigs in shit, and now finally I can get some greenery down me neck. I think I'm going to have to go and see my mate Steve the buffalo about my sex life, I was giving it to Shirley's sister Monica last night, and the bitch tried to kill me as well. She broke my bloody leg, I don't know wether it's me, am I doing something wrong?. Anyway as I limped back to my pad last night there was a few vultures flying around over head, lobbing stones and being Yobs in general, it's about time the police did something about them. All the gazelles are scared to go out at night.
Friday
This rains taking the piss, the whole place is flooded, the good news is some other poor sod died last night so I managed to get a nice bit of meat for the first time in ages, I had it warm with a bit of wet sand. I was with Sylvia last night, she's Shirley's half sister, and she goes like a rabbit. She didn't get chance to try and kill me though, I'd barely finished wiping the old chap on the curtains when I turned around and some other bloke was having a go on her, slag. Overall it's been a fairly good week, Drought, Food, Fight, Intercourse, Flood. Anyway as I'm sat here writing this with a nice warm pint of mushed beetle them vultures are hovering over head, I wonder what them bastards want.....
Wednesday 23 January 2013
Sunday 13 January 2013
Diary of a Delivery driver.
*******I'm not a van Driver, But this is how I imagine their week goes******
Monday
Well, It's Monday again, And I'm back to my job, I know most people (with the exception of the chirpy, young and deceptively attractive apprentice electrician I deliver to, James I think his name is) Dislike their jobs, But they don't have the same reasons as I do.
At 16 when I sat down with the careers officer in school and told her I want a job that is mainly sitting down, with a small amount of time spent unloading boxes I imagined it would open up a expansive, Mind opening career. But no, Today for example. Today I delivered 3 washing machines to various people, None of them grateful, Someone else has built them, someone else will fit them, But I've got my own back, Occasionally I like to send a Stanley knife down the side of the odd item, Just to make the day go faster. It does briefly. I'd delivered 2 of my washing machines by 11am, So I decided to sit in a lay by for the next 6 hours, I made myself tomato sandwiches for a change today. So that was nice.
The third machine was to be delivered to an elderly women. I could see she was frail, and lived alone, So I left her machine and as far away from it's desired location as possible, It's what we in the trade call 'Twatting'
Tuesday
I made it through Monday ok, I got home last night and drank 4 cans of special brew with my fish finger sandwich, so that was nice. Today the other lads in the office at work were laughing at me, I don't know why. I think it's because of my obsession with car boot sales. I usually go, every third Sunday to the boot sales. I sell cheap screwdrivers, Beanie Babies and McDonald's happy meal toys. It's nice to see the smile on the Kiddies faces as they give me their £10 for a grubby transformer with moving arms and slight chew marks. Because of the bad start to the day I'm going to take it easy.
Them bastards laughed at me, But I'll have the last laugh, I've left half of the stuff I should have taken, on my bay at the depot, and they'll get it in the neck. They hate it when we do that, It was that stunt that got me fired from the NHS, I used to deliver transplants, Until One of the lasses in the office mocked my fondness of turtle neck sweaters, So I left someones Kidney behind and she got a right earful off the bosses. Just to top today off I made myself tomato sandwiches for a change and left them at home.
Wednesday
So yesterday was a bad day, But today Is going to be better, I made myself tomato sandwiches for a change, and When I got to work I found out why the office staff were laughing at me, Apparently the office clown came in with a dead slug on his top lip, Taking the piss out of my Movember attempt. I know it's now January but I like it. And Big Mary from the bus home said It makes me look like a chubby Charlie Chaplin, with High blood pressure.
Today was going well until about 2pm when I saw a few Eddie Stobarts go past, It just reminded me of my shortcomings, I mean I may run the rule over biddies in their Honda Jazz's but I'm nothing compared to a Stobart Driver, Well that's what my Vegan ex wife said when she ran off with one.Cow. I mean Stobarts are like the Man City of Haulage, No History, Just snazzy new uniforms and A big Dennis. Bastards. I once met a Stobart man in a bar, He's under the patio now...
Thursday
OK Yesterday was a struggle, But that's because I forgot my medication, Well when your on the amount of tablets I'm on It's hard to remember them all, I take two for blood pressure, four anti depressants, A hormone replacement pill and a few I got from 'Russian Derek' down at the car boot. I'm hoping for a quiet day today, I don't want to get too sweaty, I've got a date tonight, Well It's more a speed dating event. I got a new suit from the British Heart Foundation shop on Saturday, So I'll have to iron that tonight, and I managed to get hold of a bottle of 'English Leather' aftershave from Derek, I'll be beating them off with a stick, Just not as hard as last time though, I can't afford to dig the patio up for a third time. I'm only delivering soft drinks today, So It shouldn't be that bad. I've managed to plan all my deliveries around the recipients break times, It's what we in the trade call 'Arseholing'. Just as I thought today was going well I spilled my Boiling tea all over my groin while I was having my lunch, I made tomato sandwiches for a change, But they got covered in tea and went all soggy.
Friday
Well the speed dating went well, One young lady there had a very low cut top on, She didn't give me her number but she must of thought I was some kind of scientist from the movies, She thought I was a time traveller and asked what decade my scent was from. 'Big Mary' from the busses was there, and we had a nice chat, We stayed on after and I bought her a glass of Lambrini, I had a Rum and Pep. According to the woman running the event I didn't have any matches, But that's a lie, Because I have a packet of Swan Vesta's in my pocket. I use them to light my Pipe on a lunchtime. My lazy eye makes lighting a pipe difficult, But I feel the scorch marks on my collar add a certain 'Rugged' look to my appearance. My Movember also Improves that Look, But it does make finishing a pot noodle very difficult, As I Discovered this morning when one of my work colleagues told me I had a half a noodle hanging from my nose. It must have been from last nights tea.
Anyway with it been Friday I know most of the companies I deliver to finish at 3:30pm, So I tend to wait till about 20 past to deliver my fare. It's what we in the game call 'Fuckwitting'. Anyway, I've got Big Mary from the busses coming round for tea tonight, So I'm saving my Tomato sandwiches for then for a change, I thought we could have them with some of them Dolphin Nose potatoes from Netto.
Monday
Well, It's Monday again, And I'm back to my job, I know most people (with the exception of the chirpy, young and deceptively attractive apprentice electrician I deliver to, James I think his name is) Dislike their jobs, But they don't have the same reasons as I do.
At 16 when I sat down with the careers officer in school and told her I want a job that is mainly sitting down, with a small amount of time spent unloading boxes I imagined it would open up a expansive, Mind opening career. But no, Today for example. Today I delivered 3 washing machines to various people, None of them grateful, Someone else has built them, someone else will fit them, But I've got my own back, Occasionally I like to send a Stanley knife down the side of the odd item, Just to make the day go faster. It does briefly. I'd delivered 2 of my washing machines by 11am, So I decided to sit in a lay by for the next 6 hours, I made myself tomato sandwiches for a change today. So that was nice.
The third machine was to be delivered to an elderly women. I could see she was frail, and lived alone, So I left her machine and as far away from it's desired location as possible, It's what we in the trade call 'Twatting'
Tuesday
I made it through Monday ok, I got home last night and drank 4 cans of special brew with my fish finger sandwich, so that was nice. Today the other lads in the office at work were laughing at me, I don't know why. I think it's because of my obsession with car boot sales. I usually go, every third Sunday to the boot sales. I sell cheap screwdrivers, Beanie Babies and McDonald's happy meal toys. It's nice to see the smile on the Kiddies faces as they give me their £10 for a grubby transformer with moving arms and slight chew marks. Because of the bad start to the day I'm going to take it easy.
Them bastards laughed at me, But I'll have the last laugh, I've left half of the stuff I should have taken, on my bay at the depot, and they'll get it in the neck. They hate it when we do that, It was that stunt that got me fired from the NHS, I used to deliver transplants, Until One of the lasses in the office mocked my fondness of turtle neck sweaters, So I left someones Kidney behind and she got a right earful off the bosses. Just to top today off I made myself tomato sandwiches for a change and left them at home.
Wednesday
So yesterday was a bad day, But today Is going to be better, I made myself tomato sandwiches for a change, and When I got to work I found out why the office staff were laughing at me, Apparently the office clown came in with a dead slug on his top lip, Taking the piss out of my Movember attempt. I know it's now January but I like it. And Big Mary from the bus home said It makes me look like a chubby Charlie Chaplin, with High blood pressure.
Today was going well until about 2pm when I saw a few Eddie Stobarts go past, It just reminded me of my shortcomings, I mean I may run the rule over biddies in their Honda Jazz's but I'm nothing compared to a Stobart Driver, Well that's what my Vegan ex wife said when she ran off with one.Cow. I mean Stobarts are like the Man City of Haulage, No History, Just snazzy new uniforms and A big Dennis. Bastards. I once met a Stobart man in a bar, He's under the patio now...
Thursday
OK Yesterday was a struggle, But that's because I forgot my medication, Well when your on the amount of tablets I'm on It's hard to remember them all, I take two for blood pressure, four anti depressants, A hormone replacement pill and a few I got from 'Russian Derek' down at the car boot. I'm hoping for a quiet day today, I don't want to get too sweaty, I've got a date tonight, Well It's more a speed dating event. I got a new suit from the British Heart Foundation shop on Saturday, So I'll have to iron that tonight, and I managed to get hold of a bottle of 'English Leather' aftershave from Derek, I'll be beating them off with a stick, Just not as hard as last time though, I can't afford to dig the patio up for a third time. I'm only delivering soft drinks today, So It shouldn't be that bad. I've managed to plan all my deliveries around the recipients break times, It's what we in the trade call 'Arseholing'. Just as I thought today was going well I spilled my Boiling tea all over my groin while I was having my lunch, I made tomato sandwiches for a change, But they got covered in tea and went all soggy.
Friday
Well the speed dating went well, One young lady there had a very low cut top on, She didn't give me her number but she must of thought I was some kind of scientist from the movies, She thought I was a time traveller and asked what decade my scent was from. 'Big Mary' from the busses was there, and we had a nice chat, We stayed on after and I bought her a glass of Lambrini, I had a Rum and Pep. According to the woman running the event I didn't have any matches, But that's a lie, Because I have a packet of Swan Vesta's in my pocket. I use them to light my Pipe on a lunchtime. My lazy eye makes lighting a pipe difficult, But I feel the scorch marks on my collar add a certain 'Rugged' look to my appearance. My Movember also Improves that Look, But it does make finishing a pot noodle very difficult, As I Discovered this morning when one of my work colleagues told me I had a half a noodle hanging from my nose. It must have been from last nights tea.
Anyway with it been Friday I know most of the companies I deliver to finish at 3:30pm, So I tend to wait till about 20 past to deliver my fare. It's what we in the game call 'Fuckwitting'. Anyway, I've got Big Mary from the busses coming round for tea tonight, So I'm saving my Tomato sandwiches for then for a change, I thought we could have them with some of them Dolphin Nose potatoes from Netto.
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