After the shock news that Pope Benedict XVI resigned, The catholic church has yet again been rocked by the news that former Hull City Manager Phil Brown has been appointed the new pope. Pope Phil will be assisted by Cardinal Paul Duffen. And the pair already have big plans to raise the appeal of the Catholic Church.
"We have a few plans to raise the global footprint of the catholic church' Quoted Duffen.
Pope Brown was on a sunbed in South Shields when he claims to have got the call from god. "It was quite a shock when I got the call, I was just having a bit of me time after been rejected for the Limerick job" Said Brown.
Sue Gold, the owner of the tanning salon said "Phil had just finished his usual 22 minute session, and had just rolled his trousers up for his fish pedicure, when all of a sudden I heard a polyphonic version of Sloop John B, Next thing Phil's on the phone"
After the call, Brown,53, grabbed the salons loud speaker, ran out into the street, and with rolled up trousers and and a heavenly glow began to belt out a rendition of Chesney Hawkes' 'I am the one and Only'
Messages of support have been trickling in for Brown, with West Ham manager Sam Allardyce saying "Phil's a lovely bloke, A bit clingy, But still a nice guy' and Former shampoo spokesman Jimmy Bullard spoke to us from his champagne filled hot tub in Ipswich 'Phil's a great man, Really, really clever.'
Brown has been out of work for some time, and has recently been turned down by a number of clubs including Hartlepool, Oldham, and the Houghton Le Spring WMC. It is also rumoured that Brown had been struggling with his finances, and was forced into selling his Racehorses to an Irish food company.
Martin Richards, Manager of the Durham Burton's store said "We used to see phil alot, he'd come in almost every day to get a new suit or scarf, He always looked very dapper, Now we sometimes see him across the road at oxfam, walking his dog Jay-Jay'
In his first public interview since been appointed pope, Brown, who wore a fetching Pink Shirt with Ralph Lauren jumper tied around the waist said 'I've got big plans for this religious cult, And without saying too much, I have a conversion that will blow your cassocks off'
Hours later Cardinal Duffen revealed an audacious attempt to Lure Ganesha away from Hindu, Saying 'He's the one, He's the lad that Phil wants, and what Phil wants, Phil gets'
However not all people are in support of the new head of the Vatican, One twitter user saying "Browns a fucking idiot, He's clueless, and is prone to mental breakdowns, I once found him dressed as a Victorian chimney sweep, running around lidl car park, making noises like a spitfire' @BriHorton49, Former Hull striker Kamel Ghilas said 'It wouldn't surprise me if he didn't build a load more churches, then just leaves them empty for two years before selling them off as carpet shops'
With so many conflicting opinions on Brown it remains to be seen how the Church will cope with their new leader
