Cars are clever when you think about it, The people who design cars are also clever, As are the people who build them, and the people who fix them. I spent a large chunk of my childhood sat in wonky camping chairs, eating revolting picnic food (I dislike picnics with a passion) in fields or the grounds of stately homes while car enthusiast men swapped tales of carburettors, rusting wings and divorce. But even the cars they had spent thousands on, taken apart, driven once and taken apart again were clever, And modern car's are getting cleverer.
Modern cars, are of course much more reliable, and very rarely go wrong if looked after correctly. So what does go wrong with cars the most? The brakes? Lights? Wheels?
No, Unfortunately its the blobs of skin and bone behind the wheel. I work 36 minutes away from my house, around 22 miles, On my journey home today I could've been killed, TWICE. That means I encountered a complete moron every 11 miles, and they're just the ones who bothered to show themselves.
Firstly the tractor driver who at Lisset crossroads decided it would be a good idea to try and pull his Massey wotsit and 30ft trailer across the road in front of me, He'd have struggled to make it across the road in a leer jet never mind a sodding tractor. I appreciate he was most probably looking forward to getting home to his ruddy faced wife who's had a large pot of stew on the boil since he last got up 3 years ago, And yes, he may have been stressed because his turnips have all got tuberculosis because of all the rain/sun/badgers/foxes or the lack of rain/sun/badgers/foxes, But I suspect none of these are the case, and that Mr Gummidge was just a complete and utter Cockersaurus Rex.
Move forward 10 minutes, I'd finally got the image of me forcing a farmers limp body into his own bailer, And was further along the road onto the dual carriageway that has a speed limit of 70mph. at 70mph you have to be very certain before you do anything that what you're about to do is safe, Isn't that right? Man in gold coloured Toyota saloon? So for example if I was about to move into the outside lane I'd check my mirrors, if it was clear I'd indicate and pull out. Then If I realised I was a complete retard and I infact didn't need to be in the outside lane, I'd repeat the process for changing back, Not Pull across without indicating and using mirrors nearly running the car parallel to you off the road, then realising you were indeed a complete retard and doing the same again on your way back across. Maybe Mr Gold Toyota man has reasons for his lapse, Maybe he was stressed, Maybe he'd had a difficult day at work, Maybe while he spends his weekends deciding which beige cardigan best matches his brown moleskin trousers, his wife was sleeping with a man half his age? , Maybe he was concerned at the state of the economy?. Unfortunately though I suspect that this individual was just a great big testicle.
I don't claim to be particularly intelligent, I can tell you some things, Brogan and Haldane were both characters in 90's sci fi series space precinct, I can tell you the difference between Soup and Broth, I can name most of the US presidents in roughly the right order. But my mental arithmetic leaves a lot to be desired, my ability to identify Great British birds is poor and I'm terrible painting, But I do know most car makers put things on cars for a reason, Indicators - Indicate intent to move, Mirrors-Help us see things behind us without having to rotate our heads 360 degrees. Unfortunately car manufacturers can't make drivers. And so many drivers are terrible at it. If as a person 60mph scares you, so you drive everywhere at 45mph then you shouldn't be driving, If you can't see past the bonnet of your tiny Japanese car you also shouldn't be driving, If you believe that 3mm between the car in front and your Audi badge is sufficient stopping distance you shouldn't be driving. If you decorate your Corsa with most of the things in Halfords (under £19.99) then drive everywhere with fog lights on, you shouldn't be driving.
Unfortunately the problem cannot be solved, The police are undermanned, everyone and anyone can apply for a drivers license, and ethnic cleansing is frowned upon, So have this as a warning, I avoided almost inevitable death twice in 36 minutes, My mind sharp, untarnished by drink, drugs or Bon Jovi, But others might not be so lucky, My advice, and the only way to avoid accidents, is this, Drive everywhere at 45mph, it's so much safer, keep your front and rear fog lights on, so all the other maniacs can see you, Drive really close to the car in front, so you know exactly what they are doing, And finally Put on radio 4, It's constant news will keep you in the know, and the Archers will send you to sleep making you refreshed for the rest of the journey, Or at least until Ed Grundy breaks another combine.....
