Today, upon my return from work, I was greeted by a pile of post on my mat, Mostly junk mail offering me money off things I don't need, But more interestingly a letter from HM Revenue & Customs, I eagerly opened it, Keen to peruse the witty, humorous, action packed letter one becomes accustomed to from such a fine upstanding government body.
Alas I was mistaken, Instead I got a nice letter, Including Tables, Pie charts and decimal places, Making good use of someone's GCSE ICT qualification using Microsoft Excel. It was breaking down where all the tax I paid last year got used.
And it didn't half get me riled up.....
Now I'm not as much of an idiot as my close friends and family, Bosses, and other people in authority would have you believe, I understand we need to pay tax, And for the most part I advocate paying tax.
In reverse Order (So from the least amount of my money, to the most) here is where the bulk of my tax went, And my thoughts on them. (If you have access to music playing facilities I recommend trying to get the jingle that plays in the background when Everyone's favourite (Not yet arrested for Sexual offences) radio DJ Tony Blackburn does his top 40, And play that while you read this.
The lowest amount of my tax goes to.
UK Contribution to the EU Market-
Now this is all very complicated, And Nobody understands it, Not even the people who make the EU Budget, But everyone has an opinion on it, However my monetary contribution was so pitiful I don't think I can complain.
Overseas Aid-
I don't really have any issues with this to be fair, Even the poorest people in this country, (You know, the ones who can only afford 1 car per family, and have HTC's and not IPhones) are in the richest 3% in the world, So I aren't too fussed that nearly £100 of my last years earnings went to somewhere who doesn't have anything, Providing it actually goes to them, and not to some charity boss, As I suspect it might.
Then we have the Mid table, Which includes lots of generic, wishy washy terms, Such as Environment, Business and industry, Culture, And Utilities,
All largely dull, And probably involve many meetings where not much gets sorted but everyone has to wear hi viz vests and drive Electric cars and be Foreign, Religious, and vegetarian. Which leads to...
Government administration
I don't know what this means, I can only assume It's £146 worth of Fair trade chocolate digestive's for council meetings, Either that or it keeps Mr Cameron's PA in Prada....
Transport-
Quite a sizeable chunk of money goes here, Which comes as a surprise, considering the fact that getting anywhere on our island is almost impossible. Unless you use public transport, Then you will get there, But you'll be late, poor, and have probably picked up some hideous disease. The government could save a fortune by privatising....
Public order and Safety-
I'm assuming this is the police, as they don't feature anywhere else on my list, So I cant really complain, It's reassuring to know when some Low life smack head breaks into my house with a machete trying to steal money for his next score, That within a few weeks a nice PCSO may turn up with a crime reference number for me, That'll teach em'
National Debt interest-
I'm not sure what this means, But it must be very interesting because it costs me nearly £400
Defence-
We should probably be spending more on this, Especially at the moment, This Should also be put into helping ex military personnel to re adjust.
Education-
Can't really complain about this, After all It's the next generation of Brunel's, Marie Curie's, and Rick Astley's. Plus when I'm 90 and useless, and broken, And I get someone looking after me, I want them to be educated enough to be able to give me the right tablets at the right time.
State Pensions-
This is fine, If someone's worked hard all there life, They should be allowed to spend my money on Lavender soaps, and Cruises and the such.
Health-
I mostly agree with this being 2nd on the list, Afterall, If I have to throw myself at the mercies of the NHS with something lodged somewhere it shouldn't be, Or something green that shouldn't be green, I want the poor sod who has to stare or poke at it to be well paid. However I don't agree with my money being spent to help people who eat too much, or smoke too much, or take too much drugs or Drink too much, I'm sorry, If you believe that Smoking 50 Cigarettes before your deep fried Iceland pie for breakfast, and Drinking Special Brew With your MCAT for lunch is a good idea, then you should pay for your own treatment, It's exceedingly rare that these things are anything other than poor lifestyle choices, And for those of us who are sensible with our Drinking, Smoking, Drug taking and Eating should not have to pay for YOU!! It's also worth noting the cost of most basic prescriptions, In fact Unless people actually need an prescription to maintain a healthy life, You should have to pay. In my opinion.
And the Winner,
Taking around £2000 off me last year.....
WELFARE-
Ok, So lets start sensibly, Some people, through illness or other reasons Genuinely cannot work, and these people and their family should be given every help available, at whatever cost, Because were human, and nobody with say MS or Some other debilitating illness should have to suffer. But I feel these people are the minority. And the majority is made up of the Idle and those suffering from a mix of no pride and a bout of 'I cant be arsed'. Yes having a bad back would stop you from being a builder, Or a Tight rope walker, But It doesn't stop you working in a call centre, Or a bank, Or a Bus driver (Although You would need to be suitably miserable and grumpy to land this job) The same with being fat, Or bald.... Why, Then Should those of us who Work hard, Far too hard in my opinion, Who see more of our colleagues than our families, Should we support the Fat and Lazy through Life?? We shouldn't, Should we?
Mrs Thatcher would be turning in her grave.
Socialism, Isn't working.
Monday 23 November 2015
Thursday 9 July 2015
Driving me mad
Cars are clever when you think about it, The people who design cars are also clever, As are the people who build them, and the people who fix them. I spent a large chunk of my childhood sat in wonky camping chairs, eating revolting picnic food (I dislike picnics with a passion) in fields or the grounds of stately homes while car enthusiast men swapped tales of carburettors, rusting wings and divorce. But even the cars they had spent thousands on, taken apart, driven once and taken apart again were clever, And modern car's are getting cleverer.
Modern cars, are of course much more reliable, and very rarely go wrong if looked after correctly. So what does go wrong with cars the most? The brakes? Lights? Wheels?
No, Unfortunately its the blobs of skin and bone behind the wheel. I work 36 minutes away from my house, around 22 miles, On my journey home today I could've been killed, TWICE. That means I encountered a complete moron every 11 miles, and they're just the ones who bothered to show themselves.
Firstly the tractor driver who at Lisset crossroads decided it would be a good idea to try and pull his Massey wotsit and 30ft trailer across the road in front of me, He'd have struggled to make it across the road in a leer jet never mind a sodding tractor. I appreciate he was most probably looking forward to getting home to his ruddy faced wife who's had a large pot of stew on the boil since he last got up 3 years ago, And yes, he may have been stressed because his turnips have all got tuberculosis because of all the rain/sun/badgers/foxes or the lack of rain/sun/badgers/foxes, But I suspect none of these are the case, and that Mr Gummidge was just a complete and utter Cockersaurus Rex.
Move forward 10 minutes, I'd finally got the image of me forcing a farmers limp body into his own bailer, And was further along the road onto the dual carriageway that has a speed limit of 70mph. at 70mph you have to be very certain before you do anything that what you're about to do is safe, Isn't that right? Man in gold coloured Toyota saloon? So for example if I was about to move into the outside lane I'd check my mirrors, if it was clear I'd indicate and pull out. Then If I realised I was a complete retard and I infact didn't need to be in the outside lane, I'd repeat the process for changing back, Not Pull across without indicating and using mirrors nearly running the car parallel to you off the road, then realising you were indeed a complete retard and doing the same again on your way back across. Maybe Mr Gold Toyota man has reasons for his lapse, Maybe he was stressed, Maybe he'd had a difficult day at work, Maybe while he spends his weekends deciding which beige cardigan best matches his brown moleskin trousers, his wife was sleeping with a man half his age? , Maybe he was concerned at the state of the economy?. Unfortunately though I suspect that this individual was just a great big testicle.
I don't claim to be particularly intelligent, I can tell you some things, Brogan and Haldane were both characters in 90's sci fi series space precinct, I can tell you the difference between Soup and Broth, I can name most of the US presidents in roughly the right order. But my mental arithmetic leaves a lot to be desired, my ability to identify Great British birds is poor and I'm terrible painting, But I do know most car makers put things on cars for a reason, Indicators - Indicate intent to move, Mirrors-Help us see things behind us without having to rotate our heads 360 degrees. Unfortunately car manufacturers can't make drivers. And so many drivers are terrible at it. If as a person 60mph scares you, so you drive everywhere at 45mph then you shouldn't be driving, If you can't see past the bonnet of your tiny Japanese car you also shouldn't be driving, If you believe that 3mm between the car in front and your Audi badge is sufficient stopping distance you shouldn't be driving. If you decorate your Corsa with most of the things in Halfords (under £19.99) then drive everywhere with fog lights on, you shouldn't be driving.
Unfortunately the problem cannot be solved, The police are undermanned, everyone and anyone can apply for a drivers license, and ethnic cleansing is frowned upon, So have this as a warning, I avoided almost inevitable death twice in 36 minutes, My mind sharp, untarnished by drink, drugs or Bon Jovi, But others might not be so lucky, My advice, and the only way to avoid accidents, is this, Drive everywhere at 45mph, it's so much safer, keep your front and rear fog lights on, so all the other maniacs can see you, Drive really close to the car in front, so you know exactly what they are doing, And finally Put on radio 4, It's constant news will keep you in the know, and the Archers will send you to sleep making you refreshed for the rest of the journey, Or at least until Ed Grundy breaks another combine.....
Modern cars, are of course much more reliable, and very rarely go wrong if looked after correctly. So what does go wrong with cars the most? The brakes? Lights? Wheels?
No, Unfortunately its the blobs of skin and bone behind the wheel. I work 36 minutes away from my house, around 22 miles, On my journey home today I could've been killed, TWICE. That means I encountered a complete moron every 11 miles, and they're just the ones who bothered to show themselves.
Firstly the tractor driver who at Lisset crossroads decided it would be a good idea to try and pull his Massey wotsit and 30ft trailer across the road in front of me, He'd have struggled to make it across the road in a leer jet never mind a sodding tractor. I appreciate he was most probably looking forward to getting home to his ruddy faced wife who's had a large pot of stew on the boil since he last got up 3 years ago, And yes, he may have been stressed because his turnips have all got tuberculosis because of all the rain/sun/badgers/foxes or the lack of rain/sun/badgers/foxes, But I suspect none of these are the case, and that Mr Gummidge was just a complete and utter Cockersaurus Rex.
Move forward 10 minutes, I'd finally got the image of me forcing a farmers limp body into his own bailer, And was further along the road onto the dual carriageway that has a speed limit of 70mph. at 70mph you have to be very certain before you do anything that what you're about to do is safe, Isn't that right? Man in gold coloured Toyota saloon? So for example if I was about to move into the outside lane I'd check my mirrors, if it was clear I'd indicate and pull out. Then If I realised I was a complete retard and I infact didn't need to be in the outside lane, I'd repeat the process for changing back, Not Pull across without indicating and using mirrors nearly running the car parallel to you off the road, then realising you were indeed a complete retard and doing the same again on your way back across. Maybe Mr Gold Toyota man has reasons for his lapse, Maybe he was stressed, Maybe he'd had a difficult day at work, Maybe while he spends his weekends deciding which beige cardigan best matches his brown moleskin trousers, his wife was sleeping with a man half his age? , Maybe he was concerned at the state of the economy?. Unfortunately though I suspect that this individual was just a great big testicle.
I don't claim to be particularly intelligent, I can tell you some things, Brogan and Haldane were both characters in 90's sci fi series space precinct, I can tell you the difference between Soup and Broth, I can name most of the US presidents in roughly the right order. But my mental arithmetic leaves a lot to be desired, my ability to identify Great British birds is poor and I'm terrible painting, But I do know most car makers put things on cars for a reason, Indicators - Indicate intent to move, Mirrors-Help us see things behind us without having to rotate our heads 360 degrees. Unfortunately car manufacturers can't make drivers. And so many drivers are terrible at it. If as a person 60mph scares you, so you drive everywhere at 45mph then you shouldn't be driving, If you can't see past the bonnet of your tiny Japanese car you also shouldn't be driving, If you believe that 3mm between the car in front and your Audi badge is sufficient stopping distance you shouldn't be driving. If you decorate your Corsa with most of the things in Halfords (under £19.99) then drive everywhere with fog lights on, you shouldn't be driving.
Unfortunately the problem cannot be solved, The police are undermanned, everyone and anyone can apply for a drivers license, and ethnic cleansing is frowned upon, So have this as a warning, I avoided almost inevitable death twice in 36 minutes, My mind sharp, untarnished by drink, drugs or Bon Jovi, But others might not be so lucky, My advice, and the only way to avoid accidents, is this, Drive everywhere at 45mph, it's so much safer, keep your front and rear fog lights on, so all the other maniacs can see you, Drive really close to the car in front, so you know exactly what they are doing, And finally Put on radio 4, It's constant news will keep you in the know, and the Archers will send you to sleep making you refreshed for the rest of the journey, Or at least until Ed Grundy breaks another combine.....
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