As a torrid pre season drew to a close and the opening game against champions Leicester City was just 6 days away Hull City AFC were still without a manager and any signings. However things were about to change...
Roberto Martinez rejected Ehab Allams offer of £16 per week, A retirement flat on Ilthorpe and a 15% discount on any marine generator. And despite professing his desire to return to management, but this time to a job where he could try and save a team from relegation Sir Alex Ferguson's CV was ignored as Ehab claimed 'a lack of footballing experience' went against the Scot. The Allam family instead opting to appoint former Leeds manager and all round lovely bloke Dennis Wise as joint manager along with Ehab himself. This decision was met (according to Hull Tigers Facebook page) with largely positive responses, with at least four fans notes as saying "well at least it isn't Steve Evans". Two days later Steve Evans is hired as assistant manager. Mo Diame has still not been seen for over a week.
In the mean time Steve Bruce's slow descent into madness continues as he is pictured trying to ride a swan pedalo around scotch corner wearing nothing except an wool bobble hat. He is heard singing songs about Adolf Hitlers genitals and how helpful beans are to the digestive system. "His irrational allergy to Egyptian cotton appears to have worsened" according to son Alex.
Also Sam Allardyce suffered defeat in his first game as England manager after an embarrassing 0-4 defeat at home to Bulgaria in a friendly. Sammy Lee was sacked as Allardyces assistant, so Big Sam turned to friend and fashion icon Phil Brown.
With the opening PL game now only 4 days away and still with no signings Ehab Allam tries to win back the support of the Tigernation by making audacious bids for Leo Messi, Gareth Bale and Trevor Sinclair. Negotiations for Bale and Messi were hampered from the start with the Allams failing to offer more than a pack of Quavers and all the black Wine Gums from the packet in Steve Bruce's old office. Sinclair accepted the Wine Gums but unfortunately the Allams wouldn't meet his request for Pom Bears instead of Quavers.
Seeing the crisis the club was in former players Liam Rosenior and Paul McShane offered their services to the club for free, But both were put off by the Allams insistence they buy their own kit and cook their own pre match meals. So with the opening game only 1 day away and still no signings The Tigers where destined to enter the season with only 9 fit first team players and a Jack Russell that has been turning up to the training ground for a week. Reports begin to circulate in the press that the last time Mo Diame was seen he was been stuffed into the back of a Rolls Royce with a cotton bag over his head.
In a last minute flurry of deals Hull manage to tempt Paul Merson out of retirement to add grit to the midfield, and promising upcoming striker Leroy Lita joins on a free. Unfortunately for City though it's not all good news as Eldin Jakupovic is diagnosed with split personality disorder, partly believing himself to be Lev Yashin and partly a root vegetable.
However the first game ended in victory for the Tigers, with most of the Leicester team still hungover or sold and talismanic striker Jamie Vardy out with a freak injury he picked up whilst tarmacking someone's drive over the summer, A first half own goal from Leicester keeper Kasper Schmeichel gifted city a win. That evening in a foul mother interview with ultra masculine Look North presenter Peter Levy, Assem Allam tells the Hull fans to "f*** off, you set of morons". It was however revealed that after giving his bank details to a Kenyan lottery tycoon that the Allam family coffers are almost completely empty.
More good news came from the Leicester result with the return of Mo Diame. Although some sceptics said 'Diame' looked surprisingly like a young Egyptian entrepreneur covered in boot polish wearing a shirt three sizes too big.
Steve Bruce appears on Match of the Day 2 wearing a pink tutu and bunny ears, the BBC receive 1800 complaints after he repeatedly keeps asking Gabby Logan if she'd like to dust him down.
