Well for those of you who have been watching the BBC 1 series 'Africa', which I strongly suggest you do, you will have noticed a certain pattern developing. This is a largely un factual diary of any one of those creatures.
Monday
Bloody hell, it's warm here, we haven't had rain for 4 months now and I'm parched, I got hold of a few leaves yesterday but that's about it, I had them with sand, I was going to do ants, but the only ones I could find we're those buggers that nip. I saw a female animal of the same species as well today, Shirley I think she's called, Anyway I'm not going to bother with all that romance rubbish that humans do, I'll just go over and see her Tommorow, puff my chest out and give her a damn good seeing too.
Tuesday
Crikey that was close, I went over to see Shirley earlier, I was just about to make my move and another bloody bloke turns up, giving it large. It turns out he fancies her as well, I tried talking to the bloke, but he was having none of it, he started snorting and waving his claws/hooves/trunk/tail/stinger/horn around like a mad man, I could see he fancied himself as some sort of 'jack the lad' we had a bit of a scuffle, and I caught him with a peach of a left hoof, right to his temple, sent him flying. And it looked good in front of Shirley. Who was most taken aback with her rogering. Still no rain, this is getting daft now,
Wednesday
Well that's the last time I talk to that Shirley, after all the bother I went to just so she could get a bit of how's your father. She only tried to kill me afterwards, because "that's what they do apparently". I'm taking her on Jeremy Kyle next month and we'll have it sorted. Some fucker with a massive camera came along today and kept sticking that in my face, one of the elephants said he was from the BBC so I tried to ham it up a bit, this could be my big break. We've still had no rain, But the cameraman left a few crisps behind so I had them with a bit of sand.
Thursday
Well I don't bloody believe it, it's pissing it down, heavy as well, not just a bit of drizzle, just as I'd put my winter coat away. The rivers full so the hippos are as happy as pigs in shit, and now finally I can get some greenery down me neck. I think I'm going to have to go and see my mate Steve the buffalo about my sex life, I was giving it to Shirley's sister Monica last night, and the bitch tried to kill me as well. She broke my bloody leg, I don't know wether it's me, am I doing something wrong?. Anyway as I limped back to my pad last night there was a few vultures flying around over head, lobbing stones and being Yobs in general, it's about time the police did something about them. All the gazelles are scared to go out at night.
Friday
This rains taking the piss, the whole place is flooded, the good news is some other poor sod died last night so I managed to get a nice bit of meat for the first time in ages, I had it warm with a bit of wet sand. I was with Sylvia last night, she's Shirley's half sister, and she goes like a rabbit. She didn't get chance to try and kill me though, I'd barely finished wiping the old chap on the curtains when I turned around and some other bloke was having a go on her, slag. Overall it's been a fairly good week, Drought, Food, Fight, Intercourse, Flood. Anyway as I'm sat here writing this with a nice warm pint of mushed beetle them vultures are hovering over head, I wonder what them bastards want.....
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