Well, We've recently had Halloween, which is one of my favourite celebrations of the year, It's definately up there just behind Christmas, Birthday, Bonfire Night, New Year, Easter, and the little known East African tribal celebration of Umpaktu. It also means everyone gets to dress up as Witches, Vampires, Zombies or Youths and Knock on peoples doors and demand treats, With the threat of some form of trick. There are a few things I dont 'get' about that whole procedure, 1) At no other point in the year is it acceptable to do that and 2) At no other point in the year is it acceptable to hand sweets out to childeren. So why do it on October 31st? It also means ghosts have to start making appearences and live up to their reputation. Step Forward.....Derek Acorah.
Derek Acorah For those of you who dont know, is a man from Liverpool, Who has a husky smokes 20 hamlets a day type scouse accent. Not a talent in itself, However his talent lies in his ability to speak to the dead. He's a spiritulist Medium. Or Liar to you and me. He's most famous for plying his trade on former Hit TV show Most Haunted, In which Derek, His invisible spirit guide Sam, and a film crew would go to a old building, talk to ghosts, scream and leave again, with no concrete evidence whatsoever. The crew would be exploring a 500 year old castle and he'd stop, raise his hand and say something like, "Im sensing the spirit of a man" The crew would all gasp in awe, of his genius, Another raise of the Arm of Acorah would be met with another pearl of wisdom "I feel, This man has passed away" the crew look more and more shocked, and ask Derek for a name, He then turns into some sort of Liverpudlian porn actor and in a low, sensual voice he would contact his spirit guide (A mediums equivalent of Yoda I believe) " Come on Sam, Give it to me, Give it too me Sam, Give me the name, Who's the daddy, Give it to Sam you dirty girl" The crew now looking more and more alarmed, Derek comes up with a name, The big moment, He raises his finger once more, And In mid air spells out the name, 'ALAN' At the same time as saying "Joseph, The mans name is Joseph" At which point a factual banner comes up at the bottom of screen saying 'No Record of Joseph can be found at this castle' So to Summarise Dereks contribution to the show so far, He's found that a man has lived in a 500 year old castle, and is now dead, This man is called Joseph (Or Alan) and has absolutley NO connection with the building whatsoever. Oh yeah and He's had imaginary ghost sex with his spirit guide. Thats how he made his living, He may well be a fraud, But he's Filthy rich and a genius for it.
There are as you know if youve read my previous blogs, Many things that annoy me, Religion, Supermarkets, Pensioners, Cats, Farmers, Derek Acorahs etc. But Nothing annoys me, quite as much as swimming. There are some things people are naturally good at, Some things people learn and improve at, And others that people just cannot, not for want of trying do. Swimming is mine. For 9 years at school I did swimming lessons and to this day can swim no more than a legnth, In the shallow end. With a standing stop. I dont know why im cack at it I do everything the swimming teachers tell me, Wave my hands around, kick my feet. But I just cant do it. Then again, I have no interest in doing it. I have no interest in walking through the gammy, mucky, gritty footwash things, I can see no fun in spending any amount of time swimming in straight lines in water full of bleach, urine, plasters, disease and childeren. and to top it all off, The one thing I have learnt in swimming has never come in of use to me, Never In my 21 years existance have I been walking past a crystal clear canal, in my Pyjamas, and see, a rubber brick struggling to stay afloat. It really does take the piss. But each to their own, If you are the type of person who likes taking a bite out of them polystyrene floats and swalling large amounts of nasty water then be my guest.
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