This is a story about Jeremy and his friends Theresa, Paul and Nicola who all wanted to run the country.
Jeremy was a good boy, he always ate all his greens, he adopted stray kittens, put his own shelves up and he stood up on trains. Jeremy was a man of the people.
His friend Theresa only ate asparagus, she adopted expensive brandy, she gets a man in to put shelves up and she didn't use public transport
Nicola only adopted Scottish cats, Paul only adopted white ones.
One day Theresa got a bit bored and decided that they should all play a game called 'Snap Election'
"Fantastic" said Jeremy "I'm a man of the people"
"Great, I'm just as good as Nigel" remarked Paul
"Scottish independence" Nicola wailed, whilst painting her face blue.
Jeremy told the people great things. He said schools should not have more than 30 children in a class.
"But Jeremy, there aren't enough teachers, our schools aren't big enough and we can't afford the glue sticks" said one of Jeremy's friends.
"We'll build more schools, we'll make becoming a teacher easier and we'll make glue sticks free" Said Jeremy, wiping crumbs from custard creams from his beard.
"But how can we pay for these things" replied Jeremy's friend.
"D'uh, with money, stupid" Sneered Diane.
Theresa tried to explain the concept of not having enough money to the people, but the people had been used to getting lots for free, so they weren't happy.
"Scottish Independence" Nicola bleated.
"We can't keep putting more and more strain on our schools by allowing visitors from other countries in" said Paul.
"Boo, Hiss, Boo" said the righteous.
"Hello" Said Tim.
Next Jeremy went on TV to explain why everyone should be given free healthcare and nothing should have to be paid for. Theresa sent her friend Amber and stayed at home drinking expensive brandy.
The people loved Jeremy's promise for free hospital car parking and to fully nationalise all the hospitals. They loved the way he said "People shouldn't have to pay for anything" whilst gently stroking a baby panda.
Amber was out of her depth
"Scottish Independence" cried Nicola before playing Bat out of Hell on the bagpipes.
"We can't keep putting more and more strain on our hospitals by allowing visitors from other countries in" said Paul whilst coming under fire from a barrage of rotten fruit.
"I'm Tim" Said Tim.
A few days later Jeremy went on TV again, this time to talk about how he's always nice and never does any punching, explaining he shouted once in 1985, but that was just to get someone attention before they inadvertently stepped on a spider. Theresa again stayed at home and drunk fine brandy.
"But what about that time in school, when the bullies hit you and stole your dinner money" enquired one of Jeremy's friends "And because you just tried to hug them they called you names and then kept beating you up and stealing your money" he continued.
Jeremy held up a picture of a puppy licking and ice cream, and all was forgotten.
"Scottish independence" Nicola roared, whilst reading a deep fried daily echo.
"I'll fight anyone" said Paul, who appeared to have also been drinking brandy, but not the expensive kind.
"Anyone want a cookie?" asked Tim
Theresa said later in front of a madding crowd of at least 5 of her own friends that she'd hit anyone if they hit her, and that "I did karate as a child in case I ever needed to defend myself". Many of the people thought this was ludicrous and that she should be shot for being so unnecessarily aggressive.
When the game was over everyone decided Jeremy was the winner and that he would run our country.
"Jolly good" proclaimed Jeremy
"Meh" said Theresa, shrugging her shoulders, before retiring to her drawing room to partake in more fine brandy"
"Scottish Independence?" Nicola asked.
"Has anyone got Nigels number?" asked Paul
"Bye" said Tim.
Jeremy had only been in charge a few months, when he realised that all the Schools he had needed to pay for gas, water and electric. And that the jolly nasty builders that were going to build the new ones required paying in money, and not magic beans. And because he had made it easier to become a teacher, the profession was now full of very poor teachers, who couldn't really do the job.
He soon realised that because of his friend Tony more and more people had become fat and lazy, and as a result sickly. And that the amount of money they where costing in medicine, treatments and nurses time was more than he ever imagined.
He soon found that his friendly approach and dislike of violence was exploited when the nasty Norwegians began to invade, and despite Jeremy and Diane's best efforts they soon began to occupy most of the north east.
He allowed Nicola to have Scottish independence, but she soon realised the worlds demand for shortbread, alcoholics and woollen jumpers was not as great as first imagined, and that they soon needed the help of Jeremy, sadly Jeremy couldn't help, because the extra 3 million police officers he promised had gone on strike because they weren't being payed and he was mad at them because despite being more of them, none of them were psychic and they weren't on every street corner, and sadly crime was on the rise. Largely due to the amount of free glue sticks people were sniffing, and the huge unemployment.
Unemployment caused by Jeremy's plan to make the rich people pay more. So they simply moved their multi million pound business' over seas, or ensured they took measures to avoid getting to a level of richness where they paid more tax. Unemployment no aided by the hordes of stupid people leaving a failing education system.
Before long Jeremy and his people realised he had made a silly mistake and his friends said he shouldn't run the country. So up stepped Theresa's old friend Boris and the cycle started over.
Tuesday 6 June 2017
Wednesday 3 August 2016
It could be worse...
As a torrid pre season drew to a close and the opening game against champions Leicester City was just 6 days away Hull City AFC were still without a manager and any signings. However things were about to change...
Roberto Martinez rejected Ehab Allams offer of £16 per week, A retirement flat on Ilthorpe and a 15% discount on any marine generator. And despite professing his desire to return to management, but this time to a job where he could try and save a team from relegation Sir Alex Ferguson's CV was ignored as Ehab claimed 'a lack of footballing experience' went against the Scot. The Allam family instead opting to appoint former Leeds manager and all round lovely bloke Dennis Wise as joint manager along with Ehab himself. This decision was met (according to Hull Tigers Facebook page) with largely positive responses, with at least four fans notes as saying "well at least it isn't Steve Evans". Two days later Steve Evans is hired as assistant manager. Mo Diame has still not been seen for over a week.
In the mean time Steve Bruce's slow descent into madness continues as he is pictured trying to ride a swan pedalo around scotch corner wearing nothing except an wool bobble hat. He is heard singing songs about Adolf Hitlers genitals and how helpful beans are to the digestive system. "His irrational allergy to Egyptian cotton appears to have worsened" according to son Alex.
Also Sam Allardyce suffered defeat in his first game as England manager after an embarrassing 0-4 defeat at home to Bulgaria in a friendly. Sammy Lee was sacked as Allardyces assistant, so Big Sam turned to friend and fashion icon Phil Brown.
With the opening PL game now only 4 days away and still with no signings Ehab Allam tries to win back the support of the Tigernation by making audacious bids for Leo Messi, Gareth Bale and Trevor Sinclair. Negotiations for Bale and Messi were hampered from the start with the Allams failing to offer more than a pack of Quavers and all the black Wine Gums from the packet in Steve Bruce's old office. Sinclair accepted the Wine Gums but unfortunately the Allams wouldn't meet his request for Pom Bears instead of Quavers.
Seeing the crisis the club was in former players Liam Rosenior and Paul McShane offered their services to the club for free, But both were put off by the Allams insistence they buy their own kit and cook their own pre match meals. So with the opening game only 1 day away and still no signings The Tigers where destined to enter the season with only 9 fit first team players and a Jack Russell that has been turning up to the training ground for a week. Reports begin to circulate in the press that the last time Mo Diame was seen he was been stuffed into the back of a Rolls Royce with a cotton bag over his head.
In a last minute flurry of deals Hull manage to tempt Paul Merson out of retirement to add grit to the midfield, and promising upcoming striker Leroy Lita joins on a free. Unfortunately for City though it's not all good news as Eldin Jakupovic is diagnosed with split personality disorder, partly believing himself to be Lev Yashin and partly a root vegetable.
However the first game ended in victory for the Tigers, with most of the Leicester team still hungover or sold and talismanic striker Jamie Vardy out with a freak injury he picked up whilst tarmacking someone's drive over the summer, A first half own goal from Leicester keeper Kasper Schmeichel gifted city a win. That evening in a foul mother interview with ultra masculine Look North presenter Peter Levy, Assem Allam tells the Hull fans to "f*** off, you set of morons". It was however revealed that after giving his bank details to a Kenyan lottery tycoon that the Allam family coffers are almost completely empty.
More good news came from the Leicester result with the return of Mo Diame. Although some sceptics said 'Diame' looked surprisingly like a young Egyptian entrepreneur covered in boot polish wearing a shirt three sizes too big.
Steve Bruce appears on Match of the Day 2 wearing a pink tutu and bunny ears, the BBC receive 1800 complaints after he repeatedly keeps asking Gabby Logan if she'd like to dust him down.
Roberto Martinez rejected Ehab Allams offer of £16 per week, A retirement flat on Ilthorpe and a 15% discount on any marine generator. And despite professing his desire to return to management, but this time to a job where he could try and save a team from relegation Sir Alex Ferguson's CV was ignored as Ehab claimed 'a lack of footballing experience' went against the Scot. The Allam family instead opting to appoint former Leeds manager and all round lovely bloke Dennis Wise as joint manager along with Ehab himself. This decision was met (according to Hull Tigers Facebook page) with largely positive responses, with at least four fans notes as saying "well at least it isn't Steve Evans". Two days later Steve Evans is hired as assistant manager. Mo Diame has still not been seen for over a week.
In the mean time Steve Bruce's slow descent into madness continues as he is pictured trying to ride a swan pedalo around scotch corner wearing nothing except an wool bobble hat. He is heard singing songs about Adolf Hitlers genitals and how helpful beans are to the digestive system. "His irrational allergy to Egyptian cotton appears to have worsened" according to son Alex.
Also Sam Allardyce suffered defeat in his first game as England manager after an embarrassing 0-4 defeat at home to Bulgaria in a friendly. Sammy Lee was sacked as Allardyces assistant, so Big Sam turned to friend and fashion icon Phil Brown.
With the opening PL game now only 4 days away and still with no signings Ehab Allam tries to win back the support of the Tigernation by making audacious bids for Leo Messi, Gareth Bale and Trevor Sinclair. Negotiations for Bale and Messi were hampered from the start with the Allams failing to offer more than a pack of Quavers and all the black Wine Gums from the packet in Steve Bruce's old office. Sinclair accepted the Wine Gums but unfortunately the Allams wouldn't meet his request for Pom Bears instead of Quavers.
Seeing the crisis the club was in former players Liam Rosenior and Paul McShane offered their services to the club for free, But both were put off by the Allams insistence they buy their own kit and cook their own pre match meals. So with the opening game only 1 day away and still no signings The Tigers where destined to enter the season with only 9 fit first team players and a Jack Russell that has been turning up to the training ground for a week. Reports begin to circulate in the press that the last time Mo Diame was seen he was been stuffed into the back of a Rolls Royce with a cotton bag over his head.
In a last minute flurry of deals Hull manage to tempt Paul Merson out of retirement to add grit to the midfield, and promising upcoming striker Leroy Lita joins on a free. Unfortunately for City though it's not all good news as Eldin Jakupovic is diagnosed with split personality disorder, partly believing himself to be Lev Yashin and partly a root vegetable.
However the first game ended in victory for the Tigers, with most of the Leicester team still hungover or sold and talismanic striker Jamie Vardy out with a freak injury he picked up whilst tarmacking someone's drive over the summer, A first half own goal from Leicester keeper Kasper Schmeichel gifted city a win. That evening in a foul mother interview with ultra masculine Look North presenter Peter Levy, Assem Allam tells the Hull fans to "f*** off, you set of morons". It was however revealed that after giving his bank details to a Kenyan lottery tycoon that the Allam family coffers are almost completely empty.
More good news came from the Leicester result with the return of Mo Diame. Although some sceptics said 'Diame' looked surprisingly like a young Egyptian entrepreneur covered in boot polish wearing a shirt three sizes too big.
Steve Bruce appears on Match of the Day 2 wearing a pink tutu and bunny ears, the BBC receive 1800 complaints after he repeatedly keeps asking Gabby Logan if she'd like to dust him down.
Sunday 24 July 2016
Hull City AFC. Dear Mr Allam...
Dear Mr Allam, (I'm not particularly bothered which one)
I don't know a lot about marine generators, so perhaps you could help me. Can they be used to rescue a sinking ship? If so what size would I need to rescue Hull City AFC, A good ship that you've driven head first into stormy, iceberg filled waters.
Firstly let me say I'm not an idiot, I'm aware of the investment you have put into the club, I'm aware you and your family have overseen one of the most successful periods in the clubs history. But at what cost? I for one will not be lining your pockets anymore. and there are more like me, many of them hardcore, well weathered City supporters who earned their stripes many moons ago.
Lets face it, as City fans we've seen some appalling football, and some even more appalling footballers. We've stood in the open terrace of St James park (Exeter) in the pouring rain watching 22 no hopers and ne'er do well's aimlessly chase a ball around a ploughed field for little more than a 13 place finish in the lowest league. We're possibly the only club in the country who can class Macclesfield as a bogey team, I mean Macclesfield!!. I myself used to make a 4 hour round trip to watch city, not too bad on a Saturday, but Tuesday night games tested my resolve, especially when the football was, more often than not, complete garbage. We've been locked out of our ground. We've even seen Dave Bamber play 28 times...
But after all that, we keep coming back, Why? Because we support, love and follow Hull City AFC. But what Is Hull City AFC? Because although you own it, It certainly isn't you! It's not whoever the manager is, or whoever the star players are. It's more than that, its difficult to explain, it's the circumstance. Hull City AFC isn't Chris Chilton, It's not Ken Wagstaff, It's 'Chillo and Waggy'. No one remembers Alan Fettis's goalkeeping performances, But we all remember that goal. Theo Whitmore for example was at the time one of the most talented players to play for the club, Yet it's his performance against us for Tranmere that people remember. Hull City AFC is entirely subjective to every fan, for me it's been lofted high into the air by a complete stranger in the away end at Bootham Crescent after someone who's long since left the club scored a late winner. It's the other season ticket holders we sit around, we might only see each other for an hour and half every other Saturday, but we're still mates, Because I know, and every other season ticket holders know; that once chairman, managers, star strikers and cult hero's have resigned, been sacked, sold to save the club or retired, we know we will still be here, and Hull City AFC will still be here.
But the atmosphere around the club at the moment is toxic, You alienated many with the name change. A simple poll with the fans before any major action would have saved all that. Simply letting the idea slowly die away after the first FA Rejection would have also seen that storm pass. But the name calling and petty reactions from You an esteemed and successful business man meant that many fans felt completely unvalued. The membership scheme was another disaster, again leaving many fans feeling unvalued and unwanted. How after all we have been through as supporters of the club can we be allowed to feel unwanted, Indeed supporters of any club (with the possible exception of MK Dons) deserve more than to be continually ill treated by the people who are running the thing they love. And then for many, the straw that broke the camels back, the departure of our most successful manager Steve Bruce. He didn't always get it right on the pitch, in fact some of the football towards the back end of last season was abysmal stuff, but his managerial credentials cannot be questioned. If I wanted someone to keep my club in the top flight Mr Bruce would be top of my list. One of the key elements of his early success with the club, I believe, was the fact he was managing without the pressure of being at a top flight club, constantly scrutinised. He seemed to enjoy the freedom and as fans, we enjoyed the results. But this atmosphere created by Yourself and the lack of progress with the sale was too much for an honest, hard working, down to earth football man, and Mr Bruce was driven out. Wait, that sounds familiar. The manager and the fans seem to be running parallel paths.
So now we are weeks away from a new season, disgruntled fans threatening protests and stay aways. Pitiful amounts of season tickets...Ooops sorry, Hull Tigers Memberships sold, No manager and no money for players, Not too mention the ever growing injury list. and a militant owner dripping poison into the very veins of the football club. I can however understand your reluctance to sanction spending, afterall you are going to sell in September, when I sold my trusty X Reg VW Polo I gave it a quick once over with a 35 year old bottle of Autoglym no one wanted and checked the oil but that was it, I certainly didn't fill up the tank and put new alloys on it. (Just in case any one is wondering, Yes I am comparing Peter Odemwingie to a car polish). But when I sold it I didn't take the wheels off, Remove the engine and smear the windscreen in sudocreme.
Mr Allam, Hull City AFC and It's supporters deserve so much more than this.
James Martin
I don't know a lot about marine generators, so perhaps you could help me. Can they be used to rescue a sinking ship? If so what size would I need to rescue Hull City AFC, A good ship that you've driven head first into stormy, iceberg filled waters.
Firstly let me say I'm not an idiot, I'm aware of the investment you have put into the club, I'm aware you and your family have overseen one of the most successful periods in the clubs history. But at what cost? I for one will not be lining your pockets anymore. and there are more like me, many of them hardcore, well weathered City supporters who earned their stripes many moons ago.
Lets face it, as City fans we've seen some appalling football, and some even more appalling footballers. We've stood in the open terrace of St James park (Exeter) in the pouring rain watching 22 no hopers and ne'er do well's aimlessly chase a ball around a ploughed field for little more than a 13 place finish in the lowest league. We're possibly the only club in the country who can class Macclesfield as a bogey team, I mean Macclesfield!!. I myself used to make a 4 hour round trip to watch city, not too bad on a Saturday, but Tuesday night games tested my resolve, especially when the football was, more often than not, complete garbage. We've been locked out of our ground. We've even seen Dave Bamber play 28 times...
But after all that, we keep coming back, Why? Because we support, love and follow Hull City AFC. But what Is Hull City AFC? Because although you own it, It certainly isn't you! It's not whoever the manager is, or whoever the star players are. It's more than that, its difficult to explain, it's the circumstance. Hull City AFC isn't Chris Chilton, It's not Ken Wagstaff, It's 'Chillo and Waggy'. No one remembers Alan Fettis's goalkeeping performances, But we all remember that goal. Theo Whitmore for example was at the time one of the most talented players to play for the club, Yet it's his performance against us for Tranmere that people remember. Hull City AFC is entirely subjective to every fan, for me it's been lofted high into the air by a complete stranger in the away end at Bootham Crescent after someone who's long since left the club scored a late winner. It's the other season ticket holders we sit around, we might only see each other for an hour and half every other Saturday, but we're still mates, Because I know, and every other season ticket holders know; that once chairman, managers, star strikers and cult hero's have resigned, been sacked, sold to save the club or retired, we know we will still be here, and Hull City AFC will still be here.
But the atmosphere around the club at the moment is toxic, You alienated many with the name change. A simple poll with the fans before any major action would have saved all that. Simply letting the idea slowly die away after the first FA Rejection would have also seen that storm pass. But the name calling and petty reactions from You an esteemed and successful business man meant that many fans felt completely unvalued. The membership scheme was another disaster, again leaving many fans feeling unvalued and unwanted. How after all we have been through as supporters of the club can we be allowed to feel unwanted, Indeed supporters of any club (with the possible exception of MK Dons) deserve more than to be continually ill treated by the people who are running the thing they love. And then for many, the straw that broke the camels back, the departure of our most successful manager Steve Bruce. He didn't always get it right on the pitch, in fact some of the football towards the back end of last season was abysmal stuff, but his managerial credentials cannot be questioned. If I wanted someone to keep my club in the top flight Mr Bruce would be top of my list. One of the key elements of his early success with the club, I believe, was the fact he was managing without the pressure of being at a top flight club, constantly scrutinised. He seemed to enjoy the freedom and as fans, we enjoyed the results. But this atmosphere created by Yourself and the lack of progress with the sale was too much for an honest, hard working, down to earth football man, and Mr Bruce was driven out. Wait, that sounds familiar. The manager and the fans seem to be running parallel paths.
So now we are weeks away from a new season, disgruntled fans threatening protests and stay aways. Pitiful amounts of season tickets...Ooops sorry, Hull Tigers Memberships sold, No manager and no money for players, Not too mention the ever growing injury list. and a militant owner dripping poison into the very veins of the football club. I can however understand your reluctance to sanction spending, afterall you are going to sell in September, when I sold my trusty X Reg VW Polo I gave it a quick once over with a 35 year old bottle of Autoglym no one wanted and checked the oil but that was it, I certainly didn't fill up the tank and put new alloys on it. (Just in case any one is wondering, Yes I am comparing Peter Odemwingie to a car polish). But when I sold it I didn't take the wheels off, Remove the engine and smear the windscreen in sudocreme.
Mr Allam, Hull City AFC and It's supporters deserve so much more than this.
James Martin
Monday 23 November 2015
Taxing Problem
Today, upon my return from work, I was greeted by a pile of post on my mat, Mostly junk mail offering me money off things I don't need, But more interestingly a letter from HM Revenue & Customs, I eagerly opened it, Keen to peruse the witty, humorous, action packed letter one becomes accustomed to from such a fine upstanding government body.
Alas I was mistaken, Instead I got a nice letter, Including Tables, Pie charts and decimal places, Making good use of someone's GCSE ICT qualification using Microsoft Excel. It was breaking down where all the tax I paid last year got used.
And it didn't half get me riled up.....
Now I'm not as much of an idiot as my close friends and family, Bosses, and other people in authority would have you believe, I understand we need to pay tax, And for the most part I advocate paying tax.
In reverse Order (So from the least amount of my money, to the most) here is where the bulk of my tax went, And my thoughts on them. (If you have access to music playing facilities I recommend trying to get the jingle that plays in the background when Everyone's favourite (Not yet arrested for Sexual offences) radio DJ Tony Blackburn does his top 40, And play that while you read this.
The lowest amount of my tax goes to.
UK Contribution to the EU Market-
Now this is all very complicated, And Nobody understands it, Not even the people who make the EU Budget, But everyone has an opinion on it, However my monetary contribution was so pitiful I don't think I can complain.
Overseas Aid-
I don't really have any issues with this to be fair, Even the poorest people in this country, (You know, the ones who can only afford 1 car per family, and have HTC's and not IPhones) are in the richest 3% in the world, So I aren't too fussed that nearly £100 of my last years earnings went to somewhere who doesn't have anything, Providing it actually goes to them, and not to some charity boss, As I suspect it might.
Then we have the Mid table, Which includes lots of generic, wishy washy terms, Such as Environment, Business and industry, Culture, And Utilities,
All largely dull, And probably involve many meetings where not much gets sorted but everyone has to wear hi viz vests and drive Electric cars and be Foreign, Religious, and vegetarian. Which leads to...
Government administration
I don't know what this means, I can only assume It's £146 worth of Fair trade chocolate digestive's for council meetings, Either that or it keeps Mr Cameron's PA in Prada....
Transport-
Quite a sizeable chunk of money goes here, Which comes as a surprise, considering the fact that getting anywhere on our island is almost impossible. Unless you use public transport, Then you will get there, But you'll be late, poor, and have probably picked up some hideous disease. The government could save a fortune by privatising....
Public order and Safety-
I'm assuming this is the police, as they don't feature anywhere else on my list, So I cant really complain, It's reassuring to know when some Low life smack head breaks into my house with a machete trying to steal money for his next score, That within a few weeks a nice PCSO may turn up with a crime reference number for me, That'll teach em'
National Debt interest-
I'm not sure what this means, But it must be very interesting because it costs me nearly £400
Defence-
We should probably be spending more on this, Especially at the moment, This Should also be put into helping ex military personnel to re adjust.
Education-
Can't really complain about this, After all It's the next generation of Brunel's, Marie Curie's, and Rick Astley's. Plus when I'm 90 and useless, and broken, And I get someone looking after me, I want them to be educated enough to be able to give me the right tablets at the right time.
State Pensions-
This is fine, If someone's worked hard all there life, They should be allowed to spend my money on Lavender soaps, and Cruises and the such.
Health-
I mostly agree with this being 2nd on the list, Afterall, If I have to throw myself at the mercies of the NHS with something lodged somewhere it shouldn't be, Or something green that shouldn't be green, I want the poor sod who has to stare or poke at it to be well paid. However I don't agree with my money being spent to help people who eat too much, or smoke too much, or take too much drugs or Drink too much, I'm sorry, If you believe that Smoking 50 Cigarettes before your deep fried Iceland pie for breakfast, and Drinking Special Brew With your MCAT for lunch is a good idea, then you should pay for your own treatment, It's exceedingly rare that these things are anything other than poor lifestyle choices, And for those of us who are sensible with our Drinking, Smoking, Drug taking and Eating should not have to pay for YOU!! It's also worth noting the cost of most basic prescriptions, In fact Unless people actually need an prescription to maintain a healthy life, You should have to pay. In my opinion.
And the Winner,
Taking around £2000 off me last year.....
WELFARE-
Ok, So lets start sensibly, Some people, through illness or other reasons Genuinely cannot work, and these people and their family should be given every help available, at whatever cost, Because were human, and nobody with say MS or Some other debilitating illness should have to suffer. But I feel these people are the minority. And the majority is made up of the Idle and those suffering from a mix of no pride and a bout of 'I cant be arsed'. Yes having a bad back would stop you from being a builder, Or a Tight rope walker, But It doesn't stop you working in a call centre, Or a bank, Or a Bus driver (Although You would need to be suitably miserable and grumpy to land this job) The same with being fat, Or bald.... Why, Then Should those of us who Work hard, Far too hard in my opinion, Who see more of our colleagues than our families, Should we support the Fat and Lazy through Life?? We shouldn't, Should we?
Mrs Thatcher would be turning in her grave.
Socialism, Isn't working.
Alas I was mistaken, Instead I got a nice letter, Including Tables, Pie charts and decimal places, Making good use of someone's GCSE ICT qualification using Microsoft Excel. It was breaking down where all the tax I paid last year got used.
And it didn't half get me riled up.....
Now I'm not as much of an idiot as my close friends and family, Bosses, and other people in authority would have you believe, I understand we need to pay tax, And for the most part I advocate paying tax.
In reverse Order (So from the least amount of my money, to the most) here is where the bulk of my tax went, And my thoughts on them. (If you have access to music playing facilities I recommend trying to get the jingle that plays in the background when Everyone's favourite (Not yet arrested for Sexual offences) radio DJ Tony Blackburn does his top 40, And play that while you read this.
The lowest amount of my tax goes to.
UK Contribution to the EU Market-
Now this is all very complicated, And Nobody understands it, Not even the people who make the EU Budget, But everyone has an opinion on it, However my monetary contribution was so pitiful I don't think I can complain.
Overseas Aid-
I don't really have any issues with this to be fair, Even the poorest people in this country, (You know, the ones who can only afford 1 car per family, and have HTC's and not IPhones) are in the richest 3% in the world, So I aren't too fussed that nearly £100 of my last years earnings went to somewhere who doesn't have anything, Providing it actually goes to them, and not to some charity boss, As I suspect it might.
Then we have the Mid table, Which includes lots of generic, wishy washy terms, Such as Environment, Business and industry, Culture, And Utilities,
All largely dull, And probably involve many meetings where not much gets sorted but everyone has to wear hi viz vests and drive Electric cars and be Foreign, Religious, and vegetarian. Which leads to...
Government administration
I don't know what this means, I can only assume It's £146 worth of Fair trade chocolate digestive's for council meetings, Either that or it keeps Mr Cameron's PA in Prada....
Transport-
Quite a sizeable chunk of money goes here, Which comes as a surprise, considering the fact that getting anywhere on our island is almost impossible. Unless you use public transport, Then you will get there, But you'll be late, poor, and have probably picked up some hideous disease. The government could save a fortune by privatising....
Public order and Safety-
I'm assuming this is the police, as they don't feature anywhere else on my list, So I cant really complain, It's reassuring to know when some Low life smack head breaks into my house with a machete trying to steal money for his next score, That within a few weeks a nice PCSO may turn up with a crime reference number for me, That'll teach em'
National Debt interest-
I'm not sure what this means, But it must be very interesting because it costs me nearly £400
Defence-
We should probably be spending more on this, Especially at the moment, This Should also be put into helping ex military personnel to re adjust.
Education-
Can't really complain about this, After all It's the next generation of Brunel's, Marie Curie's, and Rick Astley's. Plus when I'm 90 and useless, and broken, And I get someone looking after me, I want them to be educated enough to be able to give me the right tablets at the right time.
State Pensions-
This is fine, If someone's worked hard all there life, They should be allowed to spend my money on Lavender soaps, and Cruises and the such.
Health-
I mostly agree with this being 2nd on the list, Afterall, If I have to throw myself at the mercies of the NHS with something lodged somewhere it shouldn't be, Or something green that shouldn't be green, I want the poor sod who has to stare or poke at it to be well paid. However I don't agree with my money being spent to help people who eat too much, or smoke too much, or take too much drugs or Drink too much, I'm sorry, If you believe that Smoking 50 Cigarettes before your deep fried Iceland pie for breakfast, and Drinking Special Brew With your MCAT for lunch is a good idea, then you should pay for your own treatment, It's exceedingly rare that these things are anything other than poor lifestyle choices, And for those of us who are sensible with our Drinking, Smoking, Drug taking and Eating should not have to pay for YOU!! It's also worth noting the cost of most basic prescriptions, In fact Unless people actually need an prescription to maintain a healthy life, You should have to pay. In my opinion.
And the Winner,
Taking around £2000 off me last year.....
WELFARE-
Ok, So lets start sensibly, Some people, through illness or other reasons Genuinely cannot work, and these people and their family should be given every help available, at whatever cost, Because were human, and nobody with say MS or Some other debilitating illness should have to suffer. But I feel these people are the minority. And the majority is made up of the Idle and those suffering from a mix of no pride and a bout of 'I cant be arsed'. Yes having a bad back would stop you from being a builder, Or a Tight rope walker, But It doesn't stop you working in a call centre, Or a bank, Or a Bus driver (Although You would need to be suitably miserable and grumpy to land this job) The same with being fat, Or bald.... Why, Then Should those of us who Work hard, Far too hard in my opinion, Who see more of our colleagues than our families, Should we support the Fat and Lazy through Life?? We shouldn't, Should we?
Mrs Thatcher would be turning in her grave.
Socialism, Isn't working.
Thursday 9 July 2015
Driving me mad
Cars are clever when you think about it, The people who design cars are also clever, As are the people who build them, and the people who fix them. I spent a large chunk of my childhood sat in wonky camping chairs, eating revolting picnic food (I dislike picnics with a passion) in fields or the grounds of stately homes while car enthusiast men swapped tales of carburettors, rusting wings and divorce. But even the cars they had spent thousands on, taken apart, driven once and taken apart again were clever, And modern car's are getting cleverer.
Modern cars, are of course much more reliable, and very rarely go wrong if looked after correctly. So what does go wrong with cars the most? The brakes? Lights? Wheels?
No, Unfortunately its the blobs of skin and bone behind the wheel. I work 36 minutes away from my house, around 22 miles, On my journey home today I could've been killed, TWICE. That means I encountered a complete moron every 11 miles, and they're just the ones who bothered to show themselves.
Firstly the tractor driver who at Lisset crossroads decided it would be a good idea to try and pull his Massey wotsit and 30ft trailer across the road in front of me, He'd have struggled to make it across the road in a leer jet never mind a sodding tractor. I appreciate he was most probably looking forward to getting home to his ruddy faced wife who's had a large pot of stew on the boil since he last got up 3 years ago, And yes, he may have been stressed because his turnips have all got tuberculosis because of all the rain/sun/badgers/foxes or the lack of rain/sun/badgers/foxes, But I suspect none of these are the case, and that Mr Gummidge was just a complete and utter Cockersaurus Rex.
Move forward 10 minutes, I'd finally got the image of me forcing a farmers limp body into his own bailer, And was further along the road onto the dual carriageway that has a speed limit of 70mph. at 70mph you have to be very certain before you do anything that what you're about to do is safe, Isn't that right? Man in gold coloured Toyota saloon? So for example if I was about to move into the outside lane I'd check my mirrors, if it was clear I'd indicate and pull out. Then If I realised I was a complete retard and I infact didn't need to be in the outside lane, I'd repeat the process for changing back, Not Pull across without indicating and using mirrors nearly running the car parallel to you off the road, then realising you were indeed a complete retard and doing the same again on your way back across. Maybe Mr Gold Toyota man has reasons for his lapse, Maybe he was stressed, Maybe he'd had a difficult day at work, Maybe while he spends his weekends deciding which beige cardigan best matches his brown moleskin trousers, his wife was sleeping with a man half his age? , Maybe he was concerned at the state of the economy?. Unfortunately though I suspect that this individual was just a great big testicle.
I don't claim to be particularly intelligent, I can tell you some things, Brogan and Haldane were both characters in 90's sci fi series space precinct, I can tell you the difference between Soup and Broth, I can name most of the US presidents in roughly the right order. But my mental arithmetic leaves a lot to be desired, my ability to identify Great British birds is poor and I'm terrible painting, But I do know most car makers put things on cars for a reason, Indicators - Indicate intent to move, Mirrors-Help us see things behind us without having to rotate our heads 360 degrees. Unfortunately car manufacturers can't make drivers. And so many drivers are terrible at it. If as a person 60mph scares you, so you drive everywhere at 45mph then you shouldn't be driving, If you can't see past the bonnet of your tiny Japanese car you also shouldn't be driving, If you believe that 3mm between the car in front and your Audi badge is sufficient stopping distance you shouldn't be driving. If you decorate your Corsa with most of the things in Halfords (under £19.99) then drive everywhere with fog lights on, you shouldn't be driving.
Unfortunately the problem cannot be solved, The police are undermanned, everyone and anyone can apply for a drivers license, and ethnic cleansing is frowned upon, So have this as a warning, I avoided almost inevitable death twice in 36 minutes, My mind sharp, untarnished by drink, drugs or Bon Jovi, But others might not be so lucky, My advice, and the only way to avoid accidents, is this, Drive everywhere at 45mph, it's so much safer, keep your front and rear fog lights on, so all the other maniacs can see you, Drive really close to the car in front, so you know exactly what they are doing, And finally Put on radio 4, It's constant news will keep you in the know, and the Archers will send you to sleep making you refreshed for the rest of the journey, Or at least until Ed Grundy breaks another combine.....
Modern cars, are of course much more reliable, and very rarely go wrong if looked after correctly. So what does go wrong with cars the most? The brakes? Lights? Wheels?
No, Unfortunately its the blobs of skin and bone behind the wheel. I work 36 minutes away from my house, around 22 miles, On my journey home today I could've been killed, TWICE. That means I encountered a complete moron every 11 miles, and they're just the ones who bothered to show themselves.
Firstly the tractor driver who at Lisset crossroads decided it would be a good idea to try and pull his Massey wotsit and 30ft trailer across the road in front of me, He'd have struggled to make it across the road in a leer jet never mind a sodding tractor. I appreciate he was most probably looking forward to getting home to his ruddy faced wife who's had a large pot of stew on the boil since he last got up 3 years ago, And yes, he may have been stressed because his turnips have all got tuberculosis because of all the rain/sun/badgers/foxes or the lack of rain/sun/badgers/foxes, But I suspect none of these are the case, and that Mr Gummidge was just a complete and utter Cockersaurus Rex.
Move forward 10 minutes, I'd finally got the image of me forcing a farmers limp body into his own bailer, And was further along the road onto the dual carriageway that has a speed limit of 70mph. at 70mph you have to be very certain before you do anything that what you're about to do is safe, Isn't that right? Man in gold coloured Toyota saloon? So for example if I was about to move into the outside lane I'd check my mirrors, if it was clear I'd indicate and pull out. Then If I realised I was a complete retard and I infact didn't need to be in the outside lane, I'd repeat the process for changing back, Not Pull across without indicating and using mirrors nearly running the car parallel to you off the road, then realising you were indeed a complete retard and doing the same again on your way back across. Maybe Mr Gold Toyota man has reasons for his lapse, Maybe he was stressed, Maybe he'd had a difficult day at work, Maybe while he spends his weekends deciding which beige cardigan best matches his brown moleskin trousers, his wife was sleeping with a man half his age? , Maybe he was concerned at the state of the economy?. Unfortunately though I suspect that this individual was just a great big testicle.
I don't claim to be particularly intelligent, I can tell you some things, Brogan and Haldane were both characters in 90's sci fi series space precinct, I can tell you the difference between Soup and Broth, I can name most of the US presidents in roughly the right order. But my mental arithmetic leaves a lot to be desired, my ability to identify Great British birds is poor and I'm terrible painting, But I do know most car makers put things on cars for a reason, Indicators - Indicate intent to move, Mirrors-Help us see things behind us without having to rotate our heads 360 degrees. Unfortunately car manufacturers can't make drivers. And so many drivers are terrible at it. If as a person 60mph scares you, so you drive everywhere at 45mph then you shouldn't be driving, If you can't see past the bonnet of your tiny Japanese car you also shouldn't be driving, If you believe that 3mm between the car in front and your Audi badge is sufficient stopping distance you shouldn't be driving. If you decorate your Corsa with most of the things in Halfords (under £19.99) then drive everywhere with fog lights on, you shouldn't be driving.
Unfortunately the problem cannot be solved, The police are undermanned, everyone and anyone can apply for a drivers license, and ethnic cleansing is frowned upon, So have this as a warning, I avoided almost inevitable death twice in 36 minutes, My mind sharp, untarnished by drink, drugs or Bon Jovi, But others might not be so lucky, My advice, and the only way to avoid accidents, is this, Drive everywhere at 45mph, it's so much safer, keep your front and rear fog lights on, so all the other maniacs can see you, Drive really close to the car in front, so you know exactly what they are doing, And finally Put on radio 4, It's constant news will keep you in the know, and the Archers will send you to sleep making you refreshed for the rest of the journey, Or at least until Ed Grundy breaks another combine.....
Thursday 9 January 2014
An apology to Wales
Dear Everyone,
In my last blog 'Cheap Holidays' I described Wales as "Britain's largest bit of wasteland". This seems to have gone down quite badly with the Welsh, and Welsh sympathisers. So I did the responsible thing, and looked up some facts about the land of fog and hepatitis B, and discovered that it is in fact a wonderful place.For a start Wales is famous for Leeks and Coal, Both of which they had on the Luxury film inspired cruise ship Titanic. Also, During the war, the Germans knew just how important Wales would be to the world that they didn't
There are also many famous people from Wales, The Best known being ageing love machine and Nelson Mandela impersonator Sir Tom Jones, Who's hit Delilah is about a Jealous man who stabs his wife to death, A truly beautiful ballad.
However there are more famous folk from the valleys; Griff Rhys Jones, Despite his French sounding name, is indeed Welsh, as Is Colonel Gaddafi.....'s Best friends sister.
The Climate in Welsh Wales is also very tolerable, With very few natural disasters occurring each year. 90% of Wales's rainfall is recycled into making natural Welsh mud, or the A5 as it's commonly known.
Wales also has it's own language, Which is spoken widely throughout Europe, By incredibly few people, However many welsh schools insist on teaching it, because they know just how useful it may be in the future. It is quite easy to learn, and most words can be mastered using only the letter 'D' and spitting a lot.
Anyway, I'm hoping that this open letter goes some way to making amends with the welsh, and Helping right some wrongs.
Wales, I am very sorry.
Love ME
Wednesday 30 October 2013
Cheap Holidays....
Short
of Money?
Need
a break?
Only
had 2 holidays this year?
Why not
Holiday In England
As we are all aware, the current economic climate
has taken its toll. Nobody is as well off as they used to be. And this week
British gas and other energy suppliers have raised prices, Begging two
questions.
· What
is the best temperature to defrost frozen elderly relatives?
· How
are we going to afford a holiday?
Now I can't answer the first question, but the I
can the second; it’s quite simple really. Holiday at home. No I don't mean go
and live in your shed for a week, I mean Say 'au revoir'
To the Dordogne, and Say hello to the places
England has to offer.
Now this is not new, many thin, slightly odd,
sandal wearing vegetarians have been doing it for years. But they go to places
like the lake district, Or Loch Ness, Or Stonehenge, Where you will inevitably
end up Underwhelmed, Wet, and paying over the odds for lumps of shiny stone, or
bottled water. So this 'Helpful' Guide Features places where that isn't going
to happen (Well, you may get wet, I can't stop the weather....Yet). So get your
finest tracksuit on, and pack your crocs, because were going on Holiday....
Wales
Known too many as Wales,
or Whales. It is indeed England’s largest piece of derelict
wasteland.
Home too just a few hundred Locals, Called the Welsh. There are many things to
do in Wales, Including Visiting one of its many crack dens, (Usually located in
the larger cities such as Cardiff). Wales has No museums, and looks upon
culture dimly. However, if you manage to approach a local who isn’t high on ‘Rubicon’
you could indeed spend hours listening to them ramble on about Coal, Digging, and
Digging for coal and Leeks. That however is difficult, because for some reason,
many original locals refuse to drop their now largely pointless language, and
cannot be understood.
It also has a lot of Hills, and Sheep, and judging
by the picture it has a fair few misty hills as well. Wales is largely child unfriendly, In fact it
has been known for parents to unwittingly take a 5 year old to Wales and return
with a 5 year old Heroin addict. It is however cheap. And much prettier than
Bristol.
Leicester
Leicester, Is an upcoming city, working very hard
to dispel its poor reputation. And recently in fact, Came 5th on the
Midlands city of culture list. Behind Coventry, Wolverhampton, Birmingham and
West Bromwich. Leicester has many interesting things to see and Do, Including
Junction 21 of the M1, Which is widely regarded as the busiest section of the
motorway, you and your children can stand in awe at the sheer amount of cars,
Trucks and vans that are driving on it. ‘Discover Leicester’ Run an open top
bus tour around all of Leicester’s tourist spots, So if you find yourself with
a spare 4 minutes to kill this is a must. Many think that every single person
from or connected with Leicester is tediously dull, this is not true. In fact
many Lecesities are there by accident, either through work, or at her
majesty’s pleasure, and are in fact very interesting. If you can find any shops
in Leicester they are all very cheap.
Wakefield
Wakefield, Known as ‘The heart of the Rhubarb triangle’ Or the
Jewell of the West Riding (Named after the large factory that makes Argos jewellery,
which is located just outside of Wakefield) Is definitely the place to go if
you want a cheap relaxing holiday. It has literally a few things to do.
Including a large shopping centre, which is very quiet. (Unless you happen to
be near the benefits office). The centre has a range of shops Including Pound
land, Mothercare, and a DFS (Note, at the time of writing DFS was closing down).
Once you have finished shopping, you could indulge in one of the town’s fine
eatery’s including a Greggs, McDonald’s or a KFC imitation. Wakefield also boasts
the largest amount of Polish off licenses in England. If you want to experience
some of the local culture, you could try slobbing around all day, grunting at
the TV before heading out at 8pm to throw something in the canal, a tradition
the locals have followed for many years, seemingly trying to appease the god of
benefit Britain. The most common sacrifices include Old TV’s, Trolleys and dead
whippets.
Thank you for reading, I hope this has given you an idea of some
cheap holiday locations, But if none of the places on the list press your
buttons, Read next week for more deals.
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